Navigating the Taboo & Finding Freedom (part 1/2)

How many times have we heard, “The marriage bed is undefiled”? 

What does that mean exactly? It took a while for me to understand why a wife would choose to become less of a freak after marriage. What's the point of having a God-given gift of intimacy if it's not explored to its fullest potential? It was a hard concept for me to grasp—until I looked at my own story. In this Treasured Letter™, we will dive deep into the meaning of an undefiled marriage bed and explore the conflicts and transformations that I experienced in my pursuit of a fulfilling Christian marriage.

Navigating the Taboo

The journey towards embracing an undefiled marriage bed is deeply personal and often filled with challenges. With this in mind, you may be wondering, "What are some common misconceptions about intimacy in Kingdom marriages and how can I correct them?" For some Christian women like me, the struggle with sex in marriage stems from various sources:

1. Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): The impact of past traumatic experiences can cast a long shadow over one's sexuality, making it challenging to fully embrace intimacy.

2. Taboo in Christian Conversations: Discussing sex can be seen as a taboo within Christian communities, making it difficult for women to seek guidance and support.

3. Upbringing and Guilt: Cultural and religious upbringings sometimes instill a sense of guilt or "dirtiness" about sexual desires, making it hard to explore one's sensuality.

4. Lack of Education: Inadequate education about sex can leave individuals ill-prepared for marital intimacy, leading to confusion and discomfort.

5. Misconceptions: The belief that expressing one's sensuality as a child of God is crossing a line can create a barrier to sexual fulfillment.

6. Cultural Expectations: Particularly for women of color, discussing sex openly within the church can be frowned upon, reinforcing silence around this important topic.

7. Internalized Lies: The acceptance of false narratives about sex can hinder personal growth and sexual exploration.

Can you relate? If so, who told us that was right? Dispel those narratives and stop suffering! God’s instructions are clear-

Honor the sanctity of marriage and keep your vows of purity to one another, for God will judge sexual immorality in any form, whether single or married. -Hebrews 13:4 (TPT)

Why is open and honest communication crucial for addressing intimacy issues in a faithful relationship? It is imperative that we realize it is OK and acceptable for us wives to be freaky with our husbands! That makes us amazing lovers, not sinners.

“To me, it is a sin to hold back from my husband what I so freely gave to the men before him who weren’t worthy of it or called to it.”

Dying Inside

I learned this the hard way my first marriage (which was not God-ordained), where I faced several forms of abuse including but not limited to: emotional abuse, financial abuse, and sexual abuse. I believed that as a wife, I was obligated to fulfill my husband's sexual desires- even in the face of infidelity. The trauma inflicted during that marriage left me deeply scarred and unable to fully engage in healthy, consensual intimacy.

The situation escalated after our divorce. I became a victim of sexual assault which was committed by my ex-husband. The ensuing legal battles were agonizing, and it took nearly three years for my ex-husband to be convicted. This traumatic experience led me to group therapy, where I learned the true definition of consent and the impact of my past experiences.

Despite the ongoing turmoil, I found solace in a new relationship, but that became dependant on alcohol. And for me- the alcohol took my mind to a place that forgot it must deal with what my children’s biological father had done to it, my body, and life as I knew it. I didn’t like my reality and refused to give up my illusion of happiness with the new relationship. Honestly, I was living a miserable life. I felt free and uninhibited when drinking, but my escapades soon took a toll on my family life. Still, alcohol made everything seem ok…until I recognized my children were watching me.

Grieving the Life I Knew

For two years, that relationship was a welcomed distraction which ultimately became a crutch. When it ended, I faced my pain head-on, recognizing that my coping mechanisms were affecting my children. I had to pick up the broken pieces of my new reality and deal with the all the pain I blocked out with the alcohol. It was gut-wrenching. I CRIED, cried, cried for weeks without ceasing. Devastated that I had to grieve the old me; the me that I knew.

Who was I now? Would I ever be married again? Who would want a rape survivor with all my many problems, plus, dealing with court proceedings and a crazy ex who also fathered all three of my children? Oh, I was HURT! Messed up for months. Who would I depend on now?

Can These Bones Live?

Depending on God alone, I committed to my journey of self-discovery and healing. My journey to wholeness was in progress. This period of my life was marked by grief, reflection, and ultimately- a spiritual awakening.

As time passed, I met my current husband, "King David," who offered me love and support. But our sexual relationship faced its own set of challenges. I struggled to let go of my past trauma and fully engage in intimacy with him.

After years of internal conflict, I realized that my God-ordained husband was respecting the boundaries I had set during my time of healing. It was a moment of clarity – I had changed, but my husband didn't know it.

Embracing the New Me

This was the turning point when I decided to change my mindset about intimacy within my Christian marriage. With newfound knowledge, I overcame my obstacles by doing three things:

1. Embraced my sensuality
2. Overcame fear and self-doubt
3. Deepened intimacy in my marriage from the intimate relationship I have with Jesus

My husband is a gift from God. God designed him exclusively for me with intimacy and sex as key components. I broke down the walls of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, past hurts, and suffering those things in private. This inspired my book, "50 Scripture-based Survivor-informed Sexual Safety Affirmations", which supplies trauma-informed affirmations for The King and Queen Intimacy Experience™. 

Since I was never taught about intimacy and sex in marriage, I had to learn how to:

- Feel and be sexy
- Spice it up without porn or perversions
- Communicate my desires with my husband

Are there things you or your spouse had to learn about intimacy and sex after you said, "I do"?

Finding Freedom

Ultimately, I made a decision one night to go for it! I seduced my husband! I let it all flow out of me and loved on him deeply- without those fears of judgement, imperfections, self-doubt, and unmet expectations. I was confident and comfortable feeling sexy, wild, free, and safe. Do you know what happened? Read part 2/2 to find out!